Phonebooks
by Dupin
Summary: Esme sits and cries, as she breaks up with Olaf. Songfiction to A Simple Kind Of Life, by No Doubt.


**_Phonebooks, an ASOUE fanfiction by Dupin._**

**Songfiction to A Simple Kind Of Life By No Doubt**

_For a long time I was in love...  
Not only in love, I was obsessed,  
With a friendship that no one else could touch,  
It didn't work out, I'm covered in shells..._

Esme grabbed a hanky, she blew into it. It was pink-an 'out' colour, but she couldn't care less. She began sobbing. Olaf was gone…how he had wrapped her up in everything…and betrayed her. What was she to do…she felt so alone. She _was_ alone. She had been too naïve. She should have realized what Olaf was up to…that…that…fuckup. He had betrayed her…he never really loved her. She grabbed the tissue box in fury, and crushed it in her hands, before she threw it across the room. It landed and fell onto the ground, and the small tissues that had been freed from it gently fell underneath. 

_And all I wanted was the simple things,  
A simple kind of life,  
And all I needed was a simple man,  
So I could be the wife..._

Esme had been wasting her time with Olaf. But she thought of all the times they had kissed, all the times he said he had loved her…only to have an affair. His daredevil life wasn't for her…if only she had settled down with someone with a normal life…if only she had stayed with Jerome Squalor. Esme closed her eyes in thought. Just yesterday, her and Olaf were together, on the MortMain Mountains, staring out at the breeze in the morning. But then…he went out for some work…or so he said. But Esme had followed him, and seen him kissing with Geraldine Julian-her supposed number one fan. 

Esme was so in shock, she had just ran…and Olaf saw her. He chased her, caught her, they argued, and he grabbed her…Esme shuddered. He had held her over the cliff, she had screamed, and kicked, eventually managing to get him to pull her in. Then she just left….hiked far down the mountains, through the wind, and caught a bus home in the nearest village.

Hasn't seen him since…didn't want to.

She looked eagerly towards the phone. There were three people she could call.

_I'm so ashamed, I've been so mean,  
I don't know how it got to this point,  
I always was the one with all the love,  
You came along, I'm hunting you down..._

She could call Jerome, beg him to take her back. They could settle down, start a family. Or she could call Geraldine, and let out all her anger. Or she could call Olaf…maybe he could explain himself or something. But if they got back together, they could never have the simple life that Esme would like…Olaf wouldn't want it.

But Esme didn't want his life.

She decided to call him, to see what was going on, get the details, like a hunter searching for a fox.

She grabbed her phone, and dialled Olaf's number nervously. She was scared to talk to him…but he couldn't hurt her over the phone…she reminded herself of that over and over again.

It rang. It rang again. It rang several more times before there was the crackling of someone answering, before a croaky voice spoke.

"Hello?"

"Olaf?" Esme began shaking. This is the man…the man who had an affair, then tried killing his girlfriend. She wanted to hang up straight away, but she decided she needed to heard what he had to say, how he would react to her calling him, and everything else besides.

"Esme?"

Esme gathered that he felt shocked. He obviously didn't expect a phone call…or one so soon for sure.

"What…what the fuck happened Olaf? What the fuck were you doing?"

"Look Esme…it's not you…"

"Oh just shut the hell up with that corny crap!" Esme cried," And tell me what you were doing, snogging that crazy bitch yesterday?"

Olaf sniffed.

"Look…" he began," Esme…we're just not right for each other…Geraldine is right for me though…she likes to live on the evil side…know what I mean?"

"No Olaf," Esme replied," I don't get you at all…you're a lazy slob…so…where is that superbitch now?"

"I guess you're referring to Geraldine," Olaf replied.

"Of course," Esme snarled," Who else do I know whose such a sick bitch as her?"

"Cut the crap talk, Esme," Olaf snarled," Besides, she's not in at the moment."

"Well," Esme replied," I'll be round this evening to get my stuff…get some boxes…I'm sure you'll have a few in that trash of a home of yours."

She hung up.

That felt good…

_Like a sick domestic abuser looking for a fight,  
And all I wanted was the simple things,  
A simple kind of life..._

Call Number Two, Geraldine Julianne. She knew the number, after all, that cow _had_ been her number one fan. What kind of fan would do this? Ugh…Esme finally dialled the number, and let it ring.  

"Hello?" the perky voice of Geraldine eventually piped up. Esme smiled…her evil smile.

"Hello…Ms. Julienne," Esme replied," How is the top super-fuckup of the world today?"

"Ugh," Geraldine replied," It's you…Esme."

"Oh…" Esme snorted," I thought you'd be pleased to hear from me…thought you were my number one fan?"

"Nope…not any more," Geraldine snarled," I'm Olaf's number one fan…and he's now mine. Sorry Esme…you missed out…serves you right for being simple and boring."

_And all I wanted was the simple things,  
A simple kind of life,  
And all I needed was a simple man,  
So I could be the wife...  _

"Simple and boring?" Esme replied," Why don't you just drop to the ground-no one cares about you…it'll save space."

"What crappy insults," Geraldine replied," I'm not gonna waste my time with you…bye."

She hung up. Esme knew there was no point in calling back…she wouldn't answer.

Then she looked at the phone that was in her pale shaking hand.

She wasn't scared any more. She was fine. Proud…some super-bitch and a disgusting ex-boyfriend wouldn't take her down.

She looked at the phone once more. Time for call three. Jerome. Technically, she was still married for him, although she was nervous about this bit. But he never argued…she assured her self…it would be okay.

Then she dialled the number for the penthouse of 667 Dark Avenue.

It rang…again…and again…until the answer phone came on. Damn it.

"Hi, I'm not back at the moment. I'll be back soon though…so just leave a message after-" The answer phone stopped after there was a rustling and someone answered.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Jerome."

"Hm…whose this…wait…is this...Esme?" he asked.

"Yes!" Esme cried, "What took you so long to answer?" She tried acting very casual and sweet.

"Oh, my new phone…it's very small…can never find it!" He chuckled.

"Oh…well…Jerome, there's something I need to ask you."

"Really? Well...ask away, Esme!"

"This may be a bit shocking Jerome…but I really wanted to know…if I could…come back to you…we're still married aren't we?"

"I guess," Jerome said," But…I dunno…"

"Please!" Esme cried.

"But we have bad history, Esme," Jerome insisted," It's…it's not right…"

Esme had to think quick for an excuse. She peered around, sweating. She rushed into the kitchen, the phone at her ear. Then she saw the medicine cupboard.

"Jerome…I'm pregnant…and Olaf left…I have no one to be with during this…please…you could be the replacement dad."

_I always thought... I'd be a mom,  
Sometimes I wish for a mistake,  
The longer that I wait the more selfish that I get,  
You seem like you'd be a good dad..._

"My gosh…really Esme? Well…I could just call up someone who deals with this kind of things…maybe we could sort something out with them."

"Jerome!" Esme yelled," I want you!"

"No Esme," Jerome replied," But, I'll call the pregnancy helpers down the road…"

"Look Jerome!" Esme cried," NO. I'm not pregnant, I just want you to take me back!"

"You…you lied?" Jerome gasped," About something like that. It's not funny Esme. Goodbye."

He hung up.

Esme through the phone down in frustration.

She had angered three people like this! But what was she going to do? Stay alone…no one to be around…where to go? She needed someone…she needed a simple kind of life.

_Now all those simple things are simply too  
Complicated for my life,  
How'd I get so faithful to my freedom?  
A selfish kind of life  
When all I ever wanted was the simple things,  
A simple kind of life..._

**_Finé  _**


End file.
